My Story
My life in all its beauty. In all its tribulation. In all its truth.
You will find me at home, my retreat, my heart.
It’s here that I connect in to myself. It is my place of complete surrender where I can be me. In fact, nowadays, I am me wherever I go. This has not always been the case. I always felt like I was different, that I didn’t fit in. And although I had beautiful friends and a loving family. I could never be ‘me’.
I wish I could talk to my younger self and tell her what I know now.
Ten years ago, things changed for me. I began to wake up. It wasn’t a gentle waking up with the morning light. It was a bucket of ice-cold water being poured over me ‘waking up’. I was shaken to the core.
I had moved up from London back to my homeland, Yorkshire, with my extremely patient partner. We had bought our first house together and I was ‘homemaking’.It was idyllic.
Then I began to experience physical symptoms like stomach aches, nausea and shortness of breath. I had no idea what was happening. I had always been aware of my health, maybe a little hypochondria sneaking in, but this was taking over.
I couldn’t be in confined spaces; I even ran out of a church wedding. Too many people in a space made me fearful and I would panic. I would have a tingling sensation that would start in my feet and slowly creep up my entire body until I got myself to a ‘safe space’ which was usually outside.
This happened on many occasions and I got good at hiding it, in fact I don’t think anyone really noticed. I also began to drink a little more that I should because it seemed to calm me down but looking back it just heightened my senses.
Then dad died.
Suddenly.
It took the life out of me. It shook me to my core.
He was the naughty cockney, who told terrible jokes and loved playing to a crowd.
He was fiercely protective but knew when to let go.
He was the best hugger I have ever know and I miss him so much.
But I was angry. So very angry. Which manifested into anxiety and all the other symptoms became worse.
I was angry because he had left us, he had lung cancer. In my mind he had chosen cigarettes over his life, over his family.
I WAS SO ANGRY
I was lost and felt terribly alone.
I knew that I needed help. I tried grief counselling which helped me comes to terms with my loss, but I knew this anger ran deeper than the death of my father. I went to the doctors and they offered me anti-depressant, no thank you.
It was then I found a hypnotherapist. She was local and I knew I had to try whatever I could.