…I remembered…
I remembered what had happened to me. I felt sick. I wanted to get out. I couldn’t breathe. ………I remembered……..
The fear ran through my entire body. I needed to get out. My mouth was dry. I wanted to shout out loud but I couldn’t find my voice. I froze. I didn’t understand what was happening. My heart was racing. I knew this was wrong.
Get out were the words that eventually came.
This was my first sexual experience. This was an assault.
This only happened once but it was enough to make me fear the masculine.
It was enough to make me shut down.
It was enough to make me different.
I never told a soul. I kept it locked away for 16 years.
I believed it was my fault.
This is all I remember and all I need to know – it’s enough.
That day my soul fragmented from my body and I have spent the last decade collecting her back into my womb and my heart.
It’s called ‘Traumatic Amnesia.
“hidden memories that can't be consciously accessed may protect the individual from the emotional pain of recalling the event. but eventually those suppressed memories can cause debilitating psychological problems, such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder or dissociative disorders.”
My body and my soul, as a 28 year old, could not cope holding this trauma any longer.
But now it was safe for me to come face to face with this experience. I was ready.
It has been a rollercoaster.
It has been so very hard.
I went to the darkest places.
I broke into a thousand pieces.
Slowly, I grew again. I planted myself in the nurturing soil of mother earth. I was watered and fed. And soon I began to flower. My beautiful petals began to unfurl one by one.