Control

30 Jun

Control - It’s a word that’s been come up again and again. Especially right now.

I feel controlled.

I feel controlled because I don’t have much of a choice. I have to do what I’m being told. I feel like a child again. That I have to do certain things because that’s what’s expected. That if I don’t agree with people, they won’t accept me. That because I can’t explain myself through words, I get shushed down by those who are eloquent in expressing their opinions.

I feel.

I feel when things aren’t right.

My body lets me know, usually my gut.

And I can’t convey that to people who like words.

So, I retreat back and allow my choice to be taken away.

But a sensation has awoken in me. I can’t suppress it. It’s rising from mother earth through my body, lingering at my throat. Its waiting to emerge. To surface and spill out of me. It’s gentle but passionate and fierce.

I don’t want to be controlled.

In fact, I won’t be controlled.

I am pushing a few boundaries probably like I did when I was a teenager.

I am rebelling in a ‘me’ kind of way.

IT FEELS GOOD

Now, I have to say I was a ‘good girl’. I never really rebelled. I was too scared to smoke behind the bike shed. Too worried about not doing my homework. Too frightened that I might get told off. No, I was never the ‘naughty one’.

As I grew up, I hated confrontation. I would always back down even if I thought I was right. I never really fought my own corner. Never confident enough to believe in myself. That is until right now.

I no longer choose to be silent.

I no longer will be told what is best for me.

I no longer will feel inadequate.

I no longer choose to be a ‘good girl’.

I want to stand up for what I ‘feel’ is right.

I want to be seen standing in my truth.

I want to own my sovereignty.

I want to be the wild woman.

Ok, just hold on a minute.

This is all within me.

Going from the ‘Good Girl’ to the ‘Wild Woman’ is going to take some healing and time.

But it’s risen in me and I have to listen.